I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
