I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
