allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
