i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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