I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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