Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
