i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
