I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
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You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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