I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
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I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.