he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."