How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.