I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
They are going to name an STD after you.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
