just tell him i said nine months
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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