well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
