at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
