He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
