doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So here I am, sexting at work.
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