Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
