I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
