The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
