I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm passing your future prison.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
