Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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