I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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