i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
