if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
