i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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