Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
