I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
