I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
