dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
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I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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