I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Randomize
