My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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