i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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