I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
