i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
