He had one of those small greek statue penises
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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