if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
