I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
