Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
