he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
