why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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