I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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