My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
