just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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