They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
