does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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