they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
