K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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