He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
