It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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