Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
