does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
