you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I see more hoeing in ur future
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