he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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