Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
