so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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