This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
