Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
