Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
